In the Garden

My Lord Derby apple tree is in flower. It has beautiful blossoms with red tinged backs to the petals - reminiscent of raspberry ripple when open and mixed with the pure white inner petals. The solomons seal is unfurling day by day, strangely reptilian as it emerges from the warmed spring soil. Where there is growth and life there is hope.

Love and Sex

Last night my girlfriend muted the fact that she would like a threesome - being a Christian I was appalled at thought of sex without love - the harm this has already done me in my life. But she thinks that there is nothing wrong with it - that sex is just sex - it is not to do with love and that God wouldn't mind a threesome.
I balked, fell apart - it has taken me so much to have a relationship with her when I have been taught for so long homosexuality is wrong - even when I didn't agree it still took a huge amount of love to be intimate with her.
She has ended things this morning because she doesn't want to deny her sexuality the way she has for so long - all of it both the homosexuality and the fantasies. She feels most Christians will say all of it is wrong, from masturbation to sex aids so the morality of it is irrelevant. I am a victim of sexual abuse as a child and for sex to be anything other than love is like torture for me and she doesn't want to hurt me more.
But to lose her like this is a horror in itself - bringing constantly to the surface the feelings of being dirty - that what we had is diminished - tarnished. I know it is all very dysfunctional but we have grown so much together - come so far - through so much. How do I deal with this? What is and isn't right sexually and in what contexts?

MILK

I saw Milk last night ( Finally!!!)- I had no idea about the history of discrimination against homosexuals in US - how barbaric their treatment was until comparatively very recently… that their lives and livelihoods were constantly at risk in even progressive ares of the country. Can I just say that I am so sorry - I had no idea! I am ashamed to say after watching it that I am a Christian and now want to be a closet Christian!!!!! I felt so proud of the gay rights movement and so ashamed of the church. I really struggle with faith and my sexuality and feel like I have a split identity. So is it possible to have faith and be gay and not compromise on either??? I feel slightly schizophrenic. But I am humbled by the man Harvey Milk was and the courage he and the gay community in San Francisco showed.

All Shall Be Well

Mother Julian of Norwich is famous for saying: "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." Today Vermont legalized same-sex marriage and the joy of so many in the US is trully uplifting. It has survived the governors attempt to veto and joins Massachusetts, Connecticut and Iowa as the four states who allow gay marriage. Although, it is the first state to have a statute passsed by the legislature and not have the decision imposed by the states' high courts. So I would say Vermont is definitely not a redneck kind of place. Other news just in... Same sex relationships are recovering in Norfolk this week, and there is hope of them beginning to thrive.

Take 5

I cannot explain what a spiritual home Take 5 Cafe Bar is to me. I first started going there over ten years ago when it was the bar to Cinema City. Relaxed Saturdays spent nursing cups of coffee, lazily absorbing newspaper text and people's lives, maybe a good book or poetry. Sometimes writing obscure observations or sketching a passing frame. There have been few places in my life where I can be so me - nurtured by the positivity and great atmosphere of the place. There is a background buzz of creativity and culture - as if you were standing beside a hive of bees. Although on a Saturday night it still gets a few drinkers unaware of the cultural milieu that surrounds them, overall the customers are an ecletic mix - touched by the energy and positivity of the place.
But then you get to the staff - they are like family ( an assortment of familiar photos taped to the wall)- engaging, interesting and personal. It takes very little for them to know you and even less for you to like them. And don't get me started on the two lovely Davids...
Its location now just down from Tombland is slightly less architecturally prestigious than its former medieval hall - but the space is great and, bar slightly yucky toilets, feels very much like before with utilitarian tables and chairs, stripped wood floors and walls bedecked in art and photography - unpretensious but aesthetically pleasing.
Now I go more for the night life - somehow drinking or eating there is more fun than anywhere else and their vegetarian options are great ( their less vegetarian options go down well with others too).
So I raise a glass to Take 5 and thank God she was spared from the elegant understated makeover Cinema City had in mind for her. Maybe a lazy Saturday is on the horizon soon.

Alteration Finds

Freedom and fear two elements of the universe with profound power. The one blinds the other gives sight. Fear can not be the end - perfect love drives out fear.
I believe - I believe in love - I believe it drives out fear - I believe in her.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Walk in Closet

Cecilia put these thoughts on psalm 69 on her Closeted Pastor blog today: "Do not let others be put to shame because of me... that hits me pretty much right where I'm living today. Most days I'm able to put aside my severe anxiety ...but very real fear surfaces. People may well feel ashamed. They may well feel dishonored by my presence in their midst. I can only hope that will be a passing thing... But I feel that I will be called to account for hiding my true self from them. It is a betrayal they may have a hard time forgiving."
This spoke to me so much today - My girlfriend has or is very close to breaking up with me because of the fear of the consequences to her children and the fear of telling them about herself. It is hard - on one hand I believe you should be who you are and teach your children by example to accept people, be honest and celebrate who they are - but the school yard is a hard place for the child of any parent who is different let alone - gay. But vicars children get a certain amount of ridicule - does that mean their parent should not enter the ministry???? I just feel that if it wasn't for the lesbians who have stood up and been counted not hidden in a closet, the hope for the rest of us to ever be honest about ourselves would be a lifetime away. We stand on the backs of giants of trully brave women - who faced oppression and the constant risk of actual bodily harm - is it a choice to be honest about who we are and not act ashamed or a responsibility? I'm trully not sure! I am sure though, that walking back into the closet won't help anyone respect us now or in the future. What say you?