Tuesday, 17 February 2009

She who binds to herself a joy

Hebe introduced me to great blog when we first started to realise we had feelings for each other and decided for the first of many times to try to do the "right" thing and have no contact. Cecilia ( nom de blog) is a pastor in a small town who is in a same sex relationship. She wrote this recently in response to some people's disgust at lesbian love: "But part of sexual identity isn't just who you want to make love with: it's who sparks your soul, who makes you get lost in a conversation until the wee hours of the morning because you can't get enough of their sweet company, who makes you laugh and forget all the terrible things about yourself you walk around believing most of the time. Attraction isn't just physical. It's emotional. It's affectional. (A real word? Who knows?)"
Hebe is this to me -she sparks my soul!
We have come a long way in the last month - finally making a decision to be a couple - not just very good friends that screen!?! I found this hard - not because of what people might think - although that is always a factor - but because being a couple in my mind is about being everything to each other- I had no concept of being this in love and not wanting to spend every minute of the day with that person. Filling the time until I can be with her again. Wanting her to want to be with me as much as I want to be with her - so that I know I am loved. But this is neither realistic or possible for either of us and yet my heart and mind can't make sense of someone loving you this much and not making as much time for you as they possibly can. So I doubt. Doubt myself, doubt her, doubt the relationship. Freak out slightly, test the boundaries, question.
You can imagine how frustrating it has been for her on the other side of the mental impass. She has wanted to feel free and independent since entering into a heterosexual marriage for 16 years after losing the love of her life in a car crash. She has wanted to be the centre of another woman's life - to be loved completely - but has also craved independence and freedom from emotional expectations.
I need to trust her love, enjoy the time we have together and live fully inbetween. I hope she can be patient with me still and gentle in her defense of her independence. Ironically, I am not dependent on her, I am even quite self reliant and blessed with many good friends. But somewhere in me is a self-destruct button, that when I am in a relationship I feel the subliminal need to test it to the limit. Perversely if she wanted much more I may feel pressured and trapped, would probably react by pulling away. WHY ARE WE ARE OWN WORST ENEMIES? WHY DO WE WISH FOR WHAT WE WOULD PROBABLY STRUGGLE WITH IN REALITY?
So I pray for grace, patience and love. May we find a way through insecurity and personal demons and get back to enjoying just being without unrealistic expectaions and doubt.

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